6 Cats who would like to have a word with the chef

We’ve all seen (or heard) those diners who, when dissatisfied with their meal, demand to speak to the chef or manager. Sometimes their complaints are valid — who wants to eat cold spaghetti? But other times, the griping is over-gripey and even ridiculous in some cases.

Cats are finicky, that’s for sure. If they were restaurant guests, I’m certain they’d bring along their fair share of nitpicking. And maybe a doggie bag.

Here are six cats who have a some notes for the chef.

1. A few questions about the catnip tea

“Excuse me, how fresh is the catnip in this tea? More specifically, when exactly was it picked? Is it organic? Local? Was it fertilized by cat manure or cow manure? It does make a difference, you know. And if it was cat manure, were they local cats? Spayed and neutered? Well, not both — that’s impossible, but you know what I mean. And were the cats who provided the manure paid a fair wage? If they were paid in treats, can you verify the treats were organic? I think I better speak with the chef.”

2. This fish is completely dead

“This fish looks 100-percent dead to me. The menu clearly states it would arrive 90-percent dead so the guest could ‘hunt’ it on the plate prior to its consumption. This is nothing short of deception! This fish’s eyes have been expired for at least two hours. They’re cloudy, I tell you! Cloudy! This is not acceptable. I demand a new fish, and this time make it 85-percent dead. No, I’m not paying extra. Also, I’d like a word with your chef.”

3. I’ve been waiting three minutes!

“All right, this is becoming ridiculous over here. I know this is a new cafe and all, but I ordered my food three minutes ago, and my plate remains empty, as you can see. I don’t have to tell you cats don’t like to wait more than two minutes for their food. Even that can feel like an eternity. I saw that tabby at the corner table get her food in less than two minutes. What? Is she prettier than me? What’s going on here? Does someone in the kitchen have something against torties? I’m never been treated so poorly in all my lives! Three minutes! I’d like to speak to the chef right this very second.”

4. Possibility of giant goldfish?

“There must be some kind of misunderstanding, because I ordered the goldfish, not the gold apple. Really, they sound nothing alike, and why would I want an apple when I could have a fish? I know the stem looks a little like a tail, but this apple is huge compared to a goldfish! If only a goldfish could be the size of an apple. I wonder if that’s possible. Perhaps there’s a giant goldfish in the kitchen right now. Maybe this mix-up happened for a reason, and that reason is I get to eat a giant goldfish. I must immediately pursue this possibility! Can you please bring me into the kitchen? I need an emergency meeting with the chef.”

5. Signature dish lacking in quality

“I can’t even believe what I’m seeing. You call this blended meat loaf? You have got to be kidding! I’ve seen better blended meat loaf coming out the other end of a dog! I thought this was a classy establishment. I was even going to bring my grandmother here for Easter brunch, but now I must rethink my holiday plans. I knew some things would change when Raoul left to become head chef at Maison du Rat, but I never expected the quality of your signature dish to go right into the litter box. The new chef … I must speak to him. There are words to be had.”

6. Dinner and relationship completely ruined

“Um, when we ordered two whole fish, I didn’t expect both fish to arrive on one plate and the other plate to arrive with only the garnish! Believe me, I enjoy a nice garnish, but my boyfriend Edgar and I both wanted fish for dinner. And now he won’t even share with me! This is appalling. First of all: Edgar, we’re through. Second, I’d like to have words with the chef who’s responsible for ruining my dinner and my relationship!”

What kind of silly complaints would your cat have for a chef? Share them in the comments!

Read more by Angie Bailey:

• Cats and Bags: 2 Very Important Scientific Experiments
• The Pros and Cons of My Cats as Health Care Providers

About the Author: Angie Bailey is an eternal optimist with an adoration of all things silly. Loves pre-adolescent boy humor, puns, making up parody songs, thinking about cats doing people things and The Smiths. Writes Catladyland, a cat humor blog, Texts from Mittens (originated right here on Catster) and authored whiskerslist: the kitty classifieds, a silly book about cats wheeling and dealing online. Partner in a production company and writes and acts in comedy web series that features sketches and mockumentaries. Mother to two humans and three cats, all of which want her to make them food.