I read my cat’s thoughts as i pursue the perfect kitty photo

I swear half my day is spent trying to nail the perfect cat photo. I know, I know … lots of us cat people deal with that, but still. It’s hard work, right? Finally capturing a pic that I’ve envisioned is like crossing the finish line of a marathon. Well, maybe a half-marathon. Okay, a 5K. The thing is, it’s a sweet, sweet reward for God-knows-how-long it takes to finally grab that image. Also, please note I’ve never run a marathon of any kind, so my comparison is completely unfounded. I have, however, made many a run to the bagel shop, so there’s that.

I sometimes wonder what my cat is thinking while I’m all up in his business with my trusty iPhone camera pointed in his direction. I can usually tell he’s annoyed, and I try to make things go as smoothly as possible. I remind him that it’s kind of his job and he needs to help a little bit. He has no idea there are hundreds of posts written about him on the wide, wide web. He just wants me to stop hassling him so he can lick his butt in peace. I totally get it, Cosmo — but Mama needs to get paid.

Today I document my attempts at snagging one great cat pic, and include what my beloved fuzzbutt might be thinking during the crazy-making process. The goal: Cosmo lying in his cat hammock, looking at the camera. Let’s see how this went down.

“Want a pic? Here’s my butt.”

I’m ready for my fourth nap of the day and it’s only 10 a.m. Yeah, I can tell time. This purple hammock is calling my name. Wait a minute. What’s she doing? She was just sitting on the sofa eating a bagel and now she’s coming at me with that damn phone. I guess I can say goodbye to my peaceful snooze-fest. Maybe I’ll give her a rear view and she’ll go away. Who am I kidding? That freak will take a pic of anything.

“I see where this is going.”

I’m so outta here. I think I saw a box with loose packing tape sitting by the front door. That sounds like a pretty good time. If I can’t sleep, I might as well get my chew on. Wait a minute — what’s she doing? She knows I like it when she pets me on that spot. This is certainly a ploy to get me back on that hammock. That woman is full of ploys. It’s a good thing she’s also got a cabinet full of treats. My life is so complicated.

“Ploy! ploy!”

Fine. I’ll go back on the hammock, but I’m not going to be happy about it. In fact, I’m going to look as pissy as possible, and she’s off her rocker if she believes I’m going to look at the camera. I still have the upper hand here, and I can’t let her forget that.

“Camera? What camera? Be gone.”

This is SO cutting into my nap time. I’ll make up for this later. I had a plan, and she obviously has no regard for any plans other than her selfish desires to steal my image for unknown reasons. I wonder how many of my photos are living inside that phone? What are they doing in there? Is it like a parallel universe where a thousand other Cosmos are doing cat things? Like taking naps in hammocks? Okay, now I’m kind of jealous.

I really want that nap. Fine. If all I have to do is look at the camera, then I’ll do it. I have “resting cranky face” so that’s as good as it’s gonna get. There. Snap the pic so I can move on to the most important part of my day … besides mealtimes, that is. Got it? Good. Buh-bye now.