Prepare yourselves, minions: i answer your cat questions

When you’re a famous cat expert like me, people constantly ask questions about cats. Some are about being a cat, some are about cat facts, and some are about felinian adorability. The latter questions are frequently asked in a cartoony voice while giving scritchies.

With all these questions, we’re due for another session where I answer my readers and fans. The following are collected from the questions I am often asked in feline and via e-mail, Facebook, or the comments section on my articles. While I am far too busy to respond individually to all inquiries (this Mommy Pillow isn’t going to sleep on itself), I may, eventually, get around to answering it here, in this manner.

Dear Mina,

Who’s the cutest kitty-cat? Who loves her Daddy-scritchies? Who’s drooling all over Daddy’s hand?

Daddy

Daddy,

I am, duh! Now shut up and scritch.

Dear Mina,

Why is it cats like to crawl into recessed openings. I’ve noticed that you seem to like bookshelves. My cat likes to crawl into my open dresser drawers. What’s that all about?

Claustrophiliac Cat Cohabitant

CCC,

Unlike humans, Cats are Apex predators who have crawled our way up to the top of a food pyramid. While there might be predators larger than us, there aren’t any that target us specifically or think, "Mmm, cat."

We set this up by understanding that there are three keys to surviving in the wild: Keep to the high ground (which is why we like to climb stuff), hide in recessed spaces (which is why we like to crawl into alcoves), and be prepared to strike at all times (which is why we sometimes attack you from a bookshelf when you walk past).

Now that we have enslaved humans to do our bidding, we no longer need to stalk prey, but old habits die hard, and it’s always enjoyable to make a human jump in terror. Also, it’s important to keep your skills sharpened (like your talons) lest humans try to band together and revolt to replace their feline overlords. Remember, humans, we’re watching you, and we can attack you in your sleep.

Dear Mina,

All these articles that feature a cat writing in the first person are really lame. They really dumb down Catster. I know your column is supposed to be funny, but I don’t find it so. I find it kind of pathetic.

Two Morons

Dear Morons,

Contrary to what one might expect and what should be, I am neither the editor-in-chief nor the managing editor of Catster. I cannot control any content that isn’t under my byline. Frankly, I don’t even get last say on that. But in defense of myself, Luna the Fashion Kitty, and any other feline writers here that I haven’t read or met personally, I think that it’s speciesist of you to make such a comment.

The idea that only humans have important opinions is the reason why hardworking felines make 66 cents for every dollar that human "cat experts" get paid. It’s also the reason why, outside of Chicago, cats aren’t allowed to vote in America. Thinking like that is why cats who hurt babies are summarily executed without trial or due process, whereas babies who maul cats are coddled and their crimes unreported to authorities.

I’d also like to point you to the computer screen in front of you. Up near the top of this window, there are a series of buttons. One takes you to your home page. One moves you to whatever site you just left, and one closes the browser window. If you hit any one of those buttons, you can stop reading my column. You can find the official site for Cat Fancy magazine, where I’m sure highbrow cat writing finds its home.

There’s also something inherently pathetic about trying to start a fight on the Internet with a cat. It speaks to a certain sort of loneliness that makes me wonder why you’re really looking here. I provide a unique feline insight and adorable masses to thousands of readers. What do you do for a living?