Bubba’s bad advice: i have no idea what i’m doing!

In Bubba’s Bad Advice, Bubba Lee Kinsey, a 14-year-old gray tabby from Kansas City, Missouri, attempts to answer your burning questions and calm your deepest, darkest fears. The only problem: He’s kind of a jerk about it.

Dear Bubba Lee Kinsey,

I just turned 33, and like five people have said to me, “You’re the same age as Jesus when he died!” This terrifies me for a number of reasons. I feel like I should have something to show for my three-plus decades of existence, but I have no idea what I’m doing. Ever. I’m sick of people asking me when I’m planning to get married and have kids, or if I’m ever going to graduate from college, or why I don’t have a real grownup haircut yet.

I wish I could go back in time and stay 25 forever. How can I learn to feel comfortable in my own skin as I get older and stop being jealous of everyone who is younger than me?

Sincerely,

Feeling Like a Phony

Dear Phony,

First of all, don’t talk to me about getting older. I’m turning 15 in April. Do you know what that means in human years? Let’s just say I’m old enough to be your grandfather. Right now, you’re in your prime. Sure, some things have changed — for instance, maybe you can’t jump from the floor to the kitchen counter in a single bound like you used to, and perhaps you’ve grown too jaded to think you’ll ever catch that little red dot.

But your coat is still super sleek, right? You can get only 16 hours of sleep a day and still be sharp enough to stalk that housefly around the living room all afternoon. You can even dabble in the catnip once in a while and not be too bad off the next day. At the same time, you’re wise enough to know granola bars and Twizzlers are worth eating, but kale and salsa certainly are not.

Eight years ago, you were still figuring this stuff out. Remember that time you accidentally consumed coleslaw, or that other time you sniffed an open bottle of nail polish remover? After the latter, you hid in the closet for like an hour — admit it. Those things were horrible, and now you know better. That kind of of wisdom only comes with age.

Basically, you’ve got it made, so quit whining. Next time someone makes you feel like a jerk because you’re doing what you want to do (getting weird haircuts or taking a nap in the sun puddle) instead of what they think you should do (having babies or climbing the corporate ladder), I’d recommend biting their ankles and quickly running off to hide behind the nearest piece of furniture. Whenever my humans are bothering me, I’ve found this gesture shuts them up immediately.

Okay, I’ll admit I occasionally feel jealous of younger cats. About a month ago, the humans brought home a kitten. Yes — like a baby cat. A disgustingly adorable, purring, prancing baby cat with tiny black toes and a fluffy white belly. They said his name was Salvy-poo. I hated him immediately.

For several days I perched on the back of the couch and watched Salvy-poo utterly dominate the humans’ attention. His tiny meow came out as little more than a squeak, causing the female human to squeal with unfettered delight. He’d curl up purring on their laps for long, sickeningly cute naps.

When I was about to give up and accept Salvy-poo’s presence in my home — I mean, one can only go so long without chin scritchies — the little jerk revealed the ace up his black-and-gray-striped sleeve: He also knows how to play fetch. When the female human tossed his mouse toy across the room one morning, he grabbed it in his mouth and brought it back to her. Surely that was a fluke, I thought — but then he did it again, and several more times after that.

That’s when I hopped down from my perch, walked up to Salvy-poo, and slapped him across the face. I hit him so hard that he fell over and slid a few inches across the floor. It felt incredible. Now I slap him nearly every day.

So I’d say the key to feeling better about getting older is slapping someone who is younger than you. Do it every day. Also, when you’re having a bad day, sleeping for 20 hours works wonders, primarily because you will often wake up and discover it is already tomorrow. One thing is true for cats and humans alike: If you just wait it out, your feelings are bound to change.

Best,

Bubba Lee Kinsey

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About Angela: This not-crazy-at-all cat lady loves to lint-roll her favorite dress and go out dancing. She also frequents the gym, the vegan coffee joint, and the warm patch of sunlight on the living room floor. She enjoys a good cat rescue story about kindness and decency overcoming the odds, and she’s an enthusiastic recipient of headbutts and purrs from her two cats, Bubba Lee Kinsey and Phoenix.